House Cat

The face of electronic music is a mouse. From underneath his giant costume head, deadmau5 produces tracks that have earned him three Juno awards, a Grammy nod, and the honor of being the house DJ for last year’s MTV Video Music Awards. He also has a nice collection of ink. His most recognizable tattoo is the Space Invader on his neck, his favorites are the Zelda hearts, and he has plans to get more work from Mario Barth this year. When any track off newest release 4X4=12 pumps through the club or house party, the crowd is going to get up and dance, so find yourself a partner—and pray she owns a cat. Deadmau5 explains why. Dogs are territorial. Say after the club you find yourself going home with someone. When you get in the front door, her dog is going to greet you and you have to spend at least 15 minutes petting the pooch and pretending to like it. If the dog is just an asshole and doesn’t trust you, it’s going to show it and the mood is killed.

Dogs are voyeurs, and they try to force threesomes. So let’s say you’ve earned the trust of this dog. Next thing you know it’s on the couch next to you trying to get a nose in during your make-out session. Or if things progress further, the dog will either hop up on the bed or stare at you two with big, dumb eyes—either way it is mad creepy.

Cats aren’t into rape. Chances are, at some point during your life a dog has humped your leg. But a cat would never defile your jeans.

Dogs—and dog people—can be real needy. Cats are choosy about whom they approach or let stroke them, but dogs have self-confidence issues. Dogs need everyone’s adoration. If dogs were people, they would be greeters at Walmart. The reason some people get a dog is because they crave constant attention and unconditional companionship. Think about how dogs bark and whine when a person leaves the house—that’s a red flag for clingy and insecure.

Cats are low-maintenance. You have to bathe a dog, but cats are tidy animals—they clean themselves! What’s the cliché term for something that is absolutely rank? Oh yeah, it “smells like a wet dog.” Cats also go to the bathroom in a litter box, whereas a dog will piss on your floor or shit on your pillow. Who wants to sleep with someone who would put up with that?

Hitler had a dog.

Dogs don’t appreciate music. If you toss on some beats or play something nice to set the ambience, the dickhead dog with its sensitive hearing will howl at a high note. Cats either don’t care what you are playing or just really dig all music. Felines can hang. For instance, when I crank up my stuff at my place, my cat, Professor Meowingtons (he’s got a Ph.D.), jumps up on my bass blaster—or should I say my huge cat vibrator.
Dogs need to be trained. Naturally, dogs are douche bags, so you need to spend time breaking them of that trait. And short of the Dog Whisperer, no matter how many classes you bring them to, some dogs remain jerks.

All cat people are for real. If someone owns a cat it is because they enjoy the company of the finest animal to be saved on Noah’s ark (a unicorn would have been dope, though). There are the dog people out there who own canines simply for the fact that they can buy them accessories. I can’t stand the girls who carry around Chihuahuas like they are handbags. Pets aren’t fashion statements; they are living things. And there are guys who are guilty of this too. I see punk bitches walking their pit bulls around the tattoo shops because they think the dogs make them look hard. In the same way people who own cars to make their penis feel bigger, these dudes use mean dogs to make it seem like they are hung.

Did I mention that dogs are high-maintenance? You can leave food and water out for a cat and it will be fine; sometimes Professor Meowingtons holds down the crib for a week at a time when I’m on the road. Dogs need to be walked and fed a few times a day. If you leave out 17 helpings of food, a dog will eat all of it in one furious sitting. And if you don’t let a dog out, he will spontaneously combust. Dating a dog owner means that he or she has to be home twice a day, and they can sneak away whenever they want just by saying they have to go home to feed and walk their dogs.

Cats don’t fuck with your shit. Here’s what happens when you have a dog: You toss aside clothes on the way to the bedroom, and in your refractory period you collect your things only to find that the dog ripped your boxers to threads and hid your sneakers someplace weird. A cat has no interest in your Air Jordans.

When it comes to cats, less is more. The case for cats may be clear, but nobody likes the crazy cat lady. If a girl has more than three cats, then something is off there; it’s not fair, but it’s true. It’s sort of like tattoos: I love my tattoos and I’m jealous of people who have sleeves (I’m working on it), but if someone is completely covered neck to toe, they are crazy wild—which could be a bad thing or a fantastic thing, depending on your kink.

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