Way Before The Sexual Revolution!

For most of us alive today we have had the pleasure of living in a time when the attitudes toward sex have been relatively liberal.
That's right! Despite what some modern day religions and moral majority government factions have done to make you believe your normal sex drive is a dirty, embarrassing and demonic disease, things could be a lot worse and, in fact, they were.

Back in the Middle Ages sex was about as much fun as wearing a hair shirt. Back then the church was all-powerful and their main objective was saving the congregation’s souls. That meant there was to be no fun. Which equated to no sex. And if you were a woman and had succumbed to your sexual desires - or even those of a stranger who forced his upon you - then you were then deemed damaged goods.


Lets take a look at the "joys" of sex circa the dark ages of the 1700s.



Photo via sozcu

Okay, this comes as no surprise, however the reason why is pretty interesting. The missionary position was the only position sanctioned by the church. And why? The church believed that if a man and a woman found themself in any other position while fornicating their gender roles might be confused! Of course, one of the worst positions a man could find himself was with the woman on top!



Photo via sozcu

Having children was one of the reason the church believed we were put on this earth, so if there was an issue with the union of husband and wife not being able to conceive, naturally the man’s penis needed to be investigated/inspected by the church! I am not making this up.
Ultimately, if the situation could not be resolved the couple could separate.



Photo via sozcu

Of course, like everything else that was pleasurable back then, masturbation was considered a sin. However, there actually were wooden sex toys for women (Sorry guys, no blow up dolls yet), but for most, money was scarce so the common sex toy became a stale loaf of bread. Okay, you can make your yeast infection jokes now!



Photo via wistedknickers

Although condoms have been around for a very long time, latex hasn’t. From the Middle Ages up until the late 1800s many condoms were made from animal bladders or intestines, and were constantly reused.



Photo via commons.wikimedia

Okay, c’mon you didn’t thank that was going to be sanctioned. According to the church the only reason to have sex is to procreate, so even to the limited scientific and medical minds of the Medieval Times, there ain’t no babies coming from a butt, so it you must be doing it for fun…and there will be no fun here. No butt sex. Big sin!



Photo via sozcu

Believe it or not, but oral sex probably ranked as the highest form of “sexual sinnery” you could act out! The Lord really frowned on this type of behavior and in The Old English Cannons of Theodore, which is one of the earliest known books of penance it declares, "Whoever ejaculates seed into the mouth, that is the worst evil. From someone it was judged that they repent this up to the end of their lives."



Photo via sozcu

Hypocrisy was alive and well in the Middle Ages and despite all the supposed outrage over illicit sex, prostitution was looked upon as a respectable profession. Well, at least brothel owners and their employees were respected. The church felt you were doing a service for the men of the community and you were contributing financially to the kingdom. Independent prostitutes on the other hand were thought of as sluts. Go figure.



Photo via sozcu

If a priest was aware of anyone have premarital sex or knew of someone cheating on their spouse he was obligated by the church to report that person. The consequence could be as harsh as a public disemboweling.



Photo via medievalists

The church pretty much did not dig men and women and having sex, so you can only imagine how much they despised sex between two people of the same sex! Get caught indulging in any same-sex-sex and here were your options —burned, hung, or starved to death!